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  1. And we drive among them. RandyA Woman's Fuel Cap Confusion Is Hilarious [VIDEO]
  2. One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church." The pas
  3. I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'? And that, my friend, is the definition of 'OLD'! Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied: 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?' Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply r
  4. UGLY STORY OF THE LITTLE DUCKS!!!!!! Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity ch
  5. Love Old Women AN OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR SHUFFLED INTO TOWN LEADING A TIRED OLD MULE. THE OLD WOMAN HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE ONLY SALOON TO CLEAR HER PARCHED THROAT. SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL. AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying, "Hey Old WOMAN, have you ever danced?" THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER
  6. A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. > > She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in > a trap. > > The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I > will grant you three wishes." > > The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, > but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. > > Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" > > The woman said, "That's okay." > > For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful >
  7. TATERS

    Whoa-man

    While out at lunch today Big Tom got up to use the rest room and came back 4 shades of red. Just getting ready to ask him what he did....the woman that was sitting at the table next to us came over to the table and said " well...did he tell you what he did?"... It seems that Tom and this woman came out of their stall at the same time and were facing eachother. She said " am I in the wrong place? " and he said to her...."well one of us is".... It seems that he entered the Ladys room by mistake... I was dying...all I could get out was...well...you did stop to wash your hands did
  8. wife was about to leave for work this morning & said " I don't care where we go or what we do, i just want to get on the bike & go " now that is a good woman... any1 near want to join us you are welcome, just don't know where we are going... wouldn't mind riding the trace to NASHVILLE...
  9. I read this and thought it was worth passing on... you never know when that little action on your part has a big impact on somebody else. A sweet lesson on patience. A NYC Taxi driver wrote: I arrived at the address and honked the horn. After waiting a few minutes I honked again. Since this was going to be my last ride of my shift I thought about just driving away, but instead I put the car in park and walked up to the door and knocked.. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor. After a long pause, the door ope
  10. A long time ago there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his dad. Looking at his dad's hands, the boy says "Papa, you do many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers." "Well, Tony," Papa said, "You see this first finger? You use this a one to pointata what evea you wanta." "You see youa thumb? You usea thisa for turna pages in a book, and your ringa finger, you will use whena you get a married, and your little finga, you use to picka you nose." "And the middle finga, well, I'lla tella you about thata one when you getta married." Well, Tony was sati
  11. They don't make them like this any more. The car or the 90 year old owner. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,533803,00.html
  12. Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a chap getting kicked in the testicles. Here is proof that they are wrong: A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say, "It would be nice to have another kid". You never hear a man say, "I would like another kick in the nuts". Case closed.
  13. So, after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees. I lasted less than a day . . . About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no,
  14. WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't
  15. ----- A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat ... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston " He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs
  16. One day a man decided to retire... He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank.
  17. rod

    LOL

    I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?' Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often? John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,'he said. 'Of course, John,' his wife said softly. 'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to mar
  18. On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! "Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They looked, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
  19. My one day employment So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly, ' Good morning and welcome to Wal Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7
  20. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry It! What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it. Why do women fake orgasms ? Because they think men care. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's been told twice already. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you do
  21. While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc. Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan ' An old Master Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?' When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?' 'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.' 'My God,' he sa
  22. A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a dog on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral li
  23. A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house. The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not ma
  24. A man and a woman gets a divorce .Once outside the courthouse the woman starts crying.The man says stop crying,you are still my sister.
  25. GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful! Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well-developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece & gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past... Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Isra
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