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Showing results for tags 'doctor'.
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THE TOILET SEAT My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take shower. Before getting in shower, she sat on toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped sheet around herself and I drove her to hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into position where he could study how to free her (Try to get mental picture of this.). Julie tried to lighten embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...... I just never saw one mounted and framed."
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It's Hell to be Old ... OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical examination. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing..' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
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An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?" The doctor replies, "A Ferrari. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 220 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly. The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right.... but I'll stick with my Moped!" Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer ! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 180 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 200 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 220 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do ! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you ?" The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!"
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A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
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Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful..
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Well, I'll be back to work tomorrow, but the doctor said next riding year looks like it will be my next.....SUCKS big time
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well i been haveing terrible knee pain in both knees. my left knee has been operated on over 17 times in just about as many years. there is now bone on bone. last night it tried to lock up? never had that before? heard a loud pop? now lots of pain. im going in for some injections. some xrays. and a possible MRI. i have been trying to get the doctor to replace this bad left knee. ever since the workers comp accident to it. im still fighting that case. of coure the doctor says your too young im 53 to have a total knee replacement? lets just keep doing the injections. well i got news for him. its my body my insurance company pays the bill. so lets get er done. no one should have to suffer if there is a better fix out there. granted a total knee replacement scares the crap out of me. like can i ride again? should i sell the venture and find a smaller bike?. it,s been over a year and a half and i have not taken the venture out for no more then 100 miles in that year and a half. im frustrated broke and just want to feel good again. get a bike i can handle. and maybe make that last run? well thanks for letting me get this out. off to see the doctor.
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A doctor saw his 92-year-old patient out one day with a very, very attractive, very much younger woman on his arm. The old man said to his doctor, “Hey, doc, thanks for the great advice.” And the doctor said, “What advice was that?” The old man said, “You told me to get a hot mama and be cheerful.” Doctor said, “No, I said you have a heart murmur; be careful.”
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I had a follow up with my eye doctor today and he is saying everything looks good. Other than a little stinging the first day, I have not had any pain, so I have a bottle of Loratab I don't need. At this point, I can only see images of bright light, but the doctor is still telling me that the bubble in my eye is what is affecting my vision. So, I guess for now it is just a waiting game so see what I am going to end up with. RandyA
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I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor's offices on everything from tissues to note pads This one should get First prize... e-mailed it to my Japanese doctor friend; he e-mailed back: "If light stay on more than 4 hour, call erectrician.
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Boudreaux, an 80-year-old South Louisiana Cajun, goes to the doctor for his every year check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape he is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition, Boudreaux?" “I stay in the swamp and I hunt and fish every day", said the old Cajun. "Dat's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out hunting or fishing all day. I have a beer for breakfast and at lunch and wid my supper. And, I have a shot of hooch before bed time. And, I say my prayers every night. And all is well wid me." Well", says the doctor, "I'm sure the prayers help, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?" "Who said Pop is dead?" The doctor is amazed. "You mean you are 80 years old and your father is still alive? How old he is?" "Pop be 100 next month," replied Boudreaux. "In fact, he hunted with me dis mornin', and den we went to a beer joint for a while and had a few beers and dat's why he's still alive. He is a tough Cajun man and he hunts and fishes everyday, too.” "Well, the doctor says, that's great! But, I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?" "Who said my Paw Paw's dead?" Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you are 80 years old, your father is 100 and your grandfather is still living? Incredible! How old he is?" "We tink 'bout 118." says the old Cajun. He likes his beer, too, but he won't touch the hard stuff." The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess your grandfather went hunting and fishing with you and your father this morning, too?" "No, Paw Paw couldn't go dis time. He's gettin' married today." At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married! Why would a 118-year-old man want to get married?" Boudreaux looked down at the floor and mumbled "Who said he wanted to?"
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An Elderly Newfie woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.. 'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor. 'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.' 'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.' It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!' 'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor. 'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!' 'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?' Lord tunderin, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Tim Hortons again!'
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Just got word from my siblings in Maine. My Mom's oncologist said her fight with stage 4 lung cancer may be coming to an end in the next few months. The cancer has spread to her liver and she is losing weight rapidly. The doctor told my Dad it's time to contact Hospice and make some final plans. Last week we were able to celebrate my parents 55th anniversary with all of her family. Close to 60 family members, including all 6 kids, spouses, grand children, and great grand children were able to attend. Mom told the doctor that this was all she was waiting for. My brothers, sisters, and myself only wish to pass along one thing: If you smoke, please, please stop before it's too late. -
I may have relief coming to my acute lower back pain. I saw a nuero surgeon today and he said my only really viable option is to have a Lumbar Discectomy. This has been scheduled for this coming Friday morning. He said physical therapy and epidural shots would not be effective. This is the third doctor I have seen for this, first surgeon. 1st was a chiropractor that wanted to do a modern form of traction that he said had a chance to fix it, insurance wouldn't cover. Didn't like his sales pitch, but he did get an MRI ordered which showed extent of problem. My family doctor said surgery was likely the only option and referred me to this surgeon. He was a very likable doctor, not uppity like some can be. He went over all the required talk about risks and potential problems and said he had to wait at least a week to do surgery because I am taking a high dosage of motrin with percocets and the motrin cause blood thinning. Have to let that clear up first. For the last 8 weeks I have had rapidly increasing lower back pain and numbness in my lower left leg. This is a life changing type pain. I am on 8 percocets a day and the pain is still as bad as kidney stone I had several years back. The disc between my L4-L5 vertebra has herniated and is pushing against my back & leg nerves. The MRI report said there was a10 x 13mm extrusion nearly filling the spinal canal. Doctor said the surgery would be about 2 hours and be 1 or 2 incisions about 2" long. I will be able to go home the same day. I should have immediate releif from the pain if surgery is successful. They said I would be able to walk around and was encouraged to get mild exercise starting the next day. I may still make MD in Oberlin, but it won't be on the bike. Won't know till a few days after surgery. If I can't make it I will need a volunteer to follow up with the dinner Friday night at Quaker Steak & Lube so I don't dump this on Don. Isn't much, just getting a rough head count and calling restaurant. Wish me luck, I'm going in. This is a surgery I am looking forward to getting, it's that painful. Gary
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Two Red Ears A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?" "The jerk called back!"
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I went to the doctor today during my lunch break. He told me I have a condition that is associated to many folks my age. It's called ... C.R.S. Can't Remember $hit
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Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had... Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?' Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
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A doctor in Duluth Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.' 'Yes, sir!' answers Ole. The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: 'So, Ole, How was your day?' Ole told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.' 'Bravo, mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor. 'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole. 'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this, and what about the third one?' asks the doctor. 'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: 'HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!' 'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor. J 'I put drops in her eyes!!
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An 86-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his test results come back normal. The doctor says, "Gary everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?" Gary replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof* the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof* the light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Gary's wife. "Marianne, he says, Gary is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof * the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof* the light goes off?" "OH MY GOSH!" Marianne exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!!!!"
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about 3 weeks ago i came down with terrible gout attack. this attack went from my right foot to both knees then both ankles. my sister came in one day to check in on me. and i was leaning slumped over my walker. she could not wake me. ambulance and emt arrived emt.s had a hard time waking me . ambulance attendent placed me on the gurney. while laying flat i came too.. so this is what they found. after 2 weeks in the hospitial. #1 gout caused an infection in my right kidney causeing it to shut down. had 3 pints of blood put into me. infection made me pee blood. #2 reduced my blood preasure meds because while sitting i would drop down to 85/60. and would pass out. standing would rush it back up to 190/120. again i would just pass out. now with adjustment in meds im at 135/90 not great but under controll and no passing out.#3 this all caused an attack to my leggs most likely MS flair up? i can no longer hold myself up. i have trouble walking. im useing a walker and takeing baby steps. pain shoots down both legs. so i will be seeing a pain management doctor. then some kind of doctor who will work on the back and do some kind of nerve block? then back injections. i cant drive my car as i cant feel the foot controlls. i have PT 2 times a day at home. and food brought in as i cant even stand up long enough to make something. i cant get into my shower. so its sit on a comode. inside a plastic tub. and do a wash down by the kitchen sink. the PT nurse will empty it when she comes. so that,s how im doing. weak a little scared. but determend to beat this attack back into admission.
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As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?" "There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
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A woman goes to the Doctor, beaten black and blue. The doctor asks "What happened?" The woman says "Doctor I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp. The Doctor says "I have a good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep Two weeks later the woman comes back to the Doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?" The Doctor says "The tea does nothing at all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
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My friend was terribly overweight, so my doctor put him on this diet. He said, 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and then repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.' When he returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs! 'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?' Yes he said...'I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the 3rd day on this diet." "From the hunger", asked the doctor. 'No, from the skippin'.
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IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No , I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do.. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes , voodoo. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shi.........ing me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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PENSION SEX Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?' 'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.' 'Pensionsex?' 'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!' LOUD SEX A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, He lets out this ear splitting yell.' 'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.' 'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!' QUIET SEX Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, 'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?' She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!' CONFOUNDED SEX A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.' The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. 'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor. 'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.' WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.' 'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' ' WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.' He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in. ELDERLY SEX One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, 'Yes, your honour. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex... He could also fly.'
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