SilvrT Posted October 6, 2016 Share #1 Posted October 6, 2016 I just don't understand this.... Over the past several years I have come to learn, by chance, and long after the fact that relatives (cousins, aunts, uncles, etc) have passed on. For some reason nobody in my extended family lets me know about these things. A few years back I went to visit some of my cousins in the town where I was born, where they lived, only to find out that 5 of them had passed away since the last time I was there some 3 years earlier. Three years ago my ex-brother in law passed away. I found out via facebook several months later yet I his son and I are still very close. Just today I found out, again via facebook, that my ex-sister in law passed away last February. Granted I haven't been a part of that family for almost 16 years but I was for 30 years of my life and again, her son and I are close yet we don't see much of each other very often nor is there much communication between us. (I think he's a bit of a recluse). I'm really disappointed and even a bit disturbed about this and I'm beginning to wonder if it's something about me that is the reason I'm not kept in the loop about such things. Have I been shunned by my extended family (cousins, etc) and my ex-family? Am I expecting more than I should? I have communicated to them my desire to be kept informed yet it doesn't happen. I'm just not sure what to make of this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigLenny Posted October 6, 2016 Share #2 Posted October 6, 2016 SilverT, To be completely and totally honest with you, I would have to know you personally, and intimately know your back history with your family, to give you an accurate read on your situation. On the face value of your story, it appears to be kind of normal for ex families, and cousins and such that don't keep monthly contact with each other. And, if you add into the situation that your ex sister in law's son might be a recluse, well, there's a recipe for no news coming your way. Relationships with families, and especially ex families, can be really weird at times. Frustrating even. It sounds like you have the right heart, and you want a connection with the people and family from your past and home. But, they just might be lazy folk, that don't look at you the same way. My advice would be for you to ramp up your connection schedule with those folks. You take the initiative to touch base with all of them every few months or so. Every 3 years or so, puts you in the acquaintance segment in their minds, not the family segment. Big Lenny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SilvrT Posted October 6, 2016 Author Share #3 Posted October 6, 2016 @BigLenny ... thanks ... things you said do make sense and I'm feeling better about it because of that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest divey Posted October 6, 2016 Share #4 Posted October 6, 2016 Honestly Rick I think the biggest problem today is that people (of all ages) depend too much on social media and devices to communicate. Facebook seems to be the "talk" of choice these days and fewer and fewer people are less likely to pick up the phone and call someone. My wife was the primary caregiver and executor to her brothers estate these past couple of years. Upon final disbursement of funds, she actually sat down and hand wrote a letter to each of his children. Don't know what she said in the letter but you can bet it came from the heart and was likely much better received than if she had written it to them in an email. Can't comment on your past family relationships but it's possible that once there are ex relatives in your life, that those relatives don't feel comfortable or feel it necessary to update you every time someone passes. I do know one thing though. The older I get, the more I appreciate the importance of family, even the distant ones. Doug Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SilvrT Posted October 6, 2016 Author Share #5 Posted October 6, 2016 I do know one thing though. The older I get, the more I appreciate the importance of family, even the distant ones. Doug Totally!! Myself, I have no siblings and left home when I was 15. My mom and step-dad had separated at that time. My aunts, uncles, and cousins were my "family" and I spent a great deal of time with them over the years. As time passed and we all grew older and had our own lives and lived sometimes many hours apart, the frequency of connecting with them became less and less. Social media didn't exist in those days and even when email started becoming more widely used, many of those relatives never had computers. While many folks don't like facebook, I do see it as a means to stay in touch with people although there's still some who don't use f/b or email for that matter. The "recluse" I mentioned above is one of them. Perhaps that description isn't exactly appropriate but it's the best word I can think of to describe him. I can somewhat understand ex-wife's family not staying in touch to a degree but when I'm still close with one or more of them .... I guess I just expect they will keep me informed especially when those who passed were such a big part of my life for so many years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cowpuc Posted October 6, 2016 Share #6 Posted October 6, 2016 Is it something about you and are you expecting to much Silv?? I dont know brother,, personally I think it's just part of life.. Once we attach to adulthood it seems like things get complicated really fast.. Working, raising our own families, have our own individual likes/dislikes - before ya know it time slips by and, especially when we get a little older, it seems like more and more past relationships pop into our mind with thoughts like "I havent seen or heard from so and so for 40 years".. It's no ones fault really,, just happens that way. As most, I too have some 2nd hand experience with divorce/broken families and that experience has proven that this complicates the matter even more - another part of life. I also know that there is some old age prophetic wisdom that states "for a man to have friends he must show himself friendly" and I always interpreted that as saying "if I wanna have a relationship with someone it is my responsibilty to reach out".. Not sure if that applies here but it might.. Gotta say this,, I LOVE WHAT DOUG SAID IN HIS LAST LINE TOO = ""The older I get, the more I appreciate the importance of family, even the distant ones""!! That there is SPOT ON IMHO!!:happy34::happy34: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bongobobny Posted October 6, 2016 Share #7 Posted October 6, 2016 Ummmm, maybe it is because you aren't a busybody, and you have more important things to do than to gossip about relatives??? Just saying... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SilvrT Posted October 6, 2016 Author Share #8 Posted October 6, 2016 Ummmm, maybe it is because you aren't a busybody, and you have more important things to do than to gossip about relatives??? Just saying... Bang ON! That said though, maybe I shoulda been .. eh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leftcoaster Posted October 7, 2016 Share #9 Posted October 7, 2016 Well I found the greatest way to reconnect with EVERYONE is to take on the Executor duties for any one of the family...extended family, etc. When that final roll call comes around, you wouldn't believe how reconnected one becomes! Lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kretz Posted October 7, 2016 Share #10 Posted October 7, 2016 Funny, I have a bro in the UK, a nephew & niece, a few cousins etc. Mom & Dad are both gone now. I hear from my bro very occasionally, my nephew recently got me to install a messaging app on my phone so he & I can communicate a little more. He's an IT security guy & considers e-mail too formal! I hear from both of them if they have family woes or want advice (which is nice I guess) but then I may have to tread on eggshells! lol I never hear from my niece. Cousins? maybe, around Christmas time after we send out cards. We're not on Facebook, Twitter, Social etc etc so we are not constantly in touch & we can't be pestered with a lot of trivia, etc. We (my wife & I) find that much of what is now classed as "news" is so ridiculous that it's not worth reading most of the time! But many younger people seem so wrapped up in that stuff & need to know instantly if X is seeing Y or who has unfriended whom.... etc etc ad nauseum. I do think people get wrapped up in their own little worlds, & forget about those that are not constantly (or directly) involved in their daily lives. I don't believe there is any malicious intent, it's just that we're not "in" their lives. I never hear from my ex's family, I used to keep in touch but over time I guess we meant less & less to each other, & were thought about less & less (& it's a two way street, not blaming "them" at all) I think we all move on & operate in our own spheres & have our own interests, just because we're "related" or were related to someone doesn't (to me anyway) mean we have the same interests, hobbies, lifestyles or even like each other. As that old adage goes "you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bongobobny Posted October 7, 2016 Share #11 Posted October 7, 2016 Win the Lottery and watch how important you become to family... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SilvrT Posted October 7, 2016 Author Share #12 Posted October 7, 2016 Win the Lottery and watch how important you become to family... workin on that constantly LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigLenny Posted October 7, 2016 Share #13 Posted October 7, 2016 That "recluse" word. Hmmmm...... I've been thinking about that. You know, when we were all young, if someone was a recluse, they were people that stayed to themselves in a fierce way, often times only coming out of their house occasionally to go to required places and then even when they were in public, they wouldn't communicate much with folks. Nowadays, to be perceived as a "recluse" one only needs to be a shunner of social media. Often times I have had discussions with someone about a family member or acquaintance who doesn't have a Facebook, Twitter, or email account, and the term "kind of a recluse" comes up. The conversation usually goes like this: Me- "How is Jimmy doing, I haven't heard from him in long time? I'd like to get in touch with him and catch up" Friend- "Jimmy's doing okay, but he doesn't do Facebook or Twitter, or even a smart phone. He just has a regular old analog cell phone. Heck, he doesn't even have an email address. I guess he's kind of reclusive". It's crazy how society changes, and the meaning of words change right along with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cowpuc Posted October 7, 2016 Share #14 Posted October 7, 2016 That "recluse" word. Hmmmm...... I've been thinking about that. You know, when we were all young, if someone was a recluse, they were people that stayed to themselves in a fierce way, often times only coming out of their house occasionally to go to required places and then even when they were in public, they wouldn't communicate much with folks. Nowadays, to be perceived as a "recluse" one only needs to be a shunner of social media. Often times I have had discussions with someone about a family member or acquaintance who doesn't have a Facebook, Twitter, or email account, and the term "kind of a recluse" comes up. The conversation usually goes like this: Me- "How is Jimmy doing, I haven't heard from him in long time? I'd like to get in touch with him and catch up" Friend- "Jimmy's doing okay, but he doesn't do Facebook or Twitter, or even a smart phone. He just has a regular old analog cell phone. Heck, he doesn't even have an email address. I guess he's kind of reclusive". It's crazy how society changes, and the meaning of words change right along with it. Trackin right with ya Lenny! Crazy how things change aint it? ,, but,, then again,, crazy how things also stay the same.. Back, way back in "the day" so to speak,, we had these things called "CB's" that us social butterflies used to play with.. It was a crazy time of life - CB clubs with club vests, club contest to see who had the most CBing friends and on and on.. Now that I think about it - nothing has really changed except for the magnitude and the ease of being part of it all. Big difference was, back then it seemed like us social butterfly CBers were considered "outsiders" - sort of rebels in a strange way.. Nowadays its the other way around.. Interesting too was the fact that back then us motorcycle crazies were also considered outsiders.. Totally outside of modern societies realm of normal.. Seems like everything has flip flopped in a strange kind of way.. Why its enough to make a has been hippy, CB talkin motorcycle freak his head and ask what just happened.. and a healthy too! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yammer Dan Posted October 7, 2016 Share #15 Posted October 7, 2016 Win the Lottery and watch how important you become to family... I've played the same three sets of numbers every time it played for 20 years. It owes me and if I ever hit I'm throwing the phone away that day and moving!!! I will let the "Family" here know where the month long M&E is being held. I'll be riding that V-Max Trike!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
baylensman Posted October 7, 2016 Share #16 Posted October 7, 2016 A lot has to do with how recent and regular the contact has been. I have a few acquaintances that I know way to much about, and some dear old friends I haven't heard from in a few years. I have some family that made it clear that something or another was all my fault, I said point blank " i din't youre wrong don't call me again ever unless your willing to apologize. well two kids later divorce and homelessness later still haven't heard an" I sorry" so i keep tabs by remote. So i guess in this day and age except for close friends( physically close) and immediate family, don't expect much Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragonslayer Posted October 7, 2016 Share #17 Posted October 7, 2016 I just don't understand this.... Over the past several years I have come to learn, by chance, and long after the fact that relatives (cousins, aunts, uncles, etc) have passed on. For some reason nobody in my extended family lets me know about these things. A few years back I went to visit some of my cousins in the town where I was born, where they lived, only to find out that 5 of them had passed away since the last time I was there some 3 years earlier. Three years ago my ex-brother in law passed away. I found out via facebook several months later yet I his son and I are still very close. Just today I found out, again via facebook, that my ex-sister in law passed away last February. Granted I haven't been a part of that family for almost 16 years but I was for 30 years of my life and again, her son and I are close yet we don't see much of each other very often nor is there much communication between us. (I think he's a bit of a recluse). I'm really disappointed and even a bit disturbed about this and I'm beginning to wonder if it's something about me that is the reason I'm not kept in the loop about such things. Have I been shunned by my extended family (cousins, etc) and my ex-family? Am I expecting more than I should? I have communicated to them my desire to be kept informed yet it doesn't happen. I'm just not sure what to make of this. My experience Get on Facebook and you will get up to second updates on everyone. You'll soon know what they ate for every meal and everyplace they ever go. It helps if you go to all of the family reunions to stay on the A Contact list. I Don't. I do get to catch up with everyone at the funerals. Don't do weddings anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cowpuc Posted October 7, 2016 Share #18 Posted October 7, 2016 I've played the same three sets of numbers every time it played for 20 years. It owes me and if I ever hit I'm throwing the phone away that day and moving!!! I will let the "Family" here know where the month long M&E is being held. I'll be riding that V-Max Trike!! Hurry up and win the dad gum thing will ya DanL'!!! I would LOVE to see a new V-Max all triked out and would LOVE to come camp at your party brother!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SilvrT Posted October 7, 2016 Author Share #19 Posted October 7, 2016 Get on Facebook and you will get up to second updates on everyone. You'll soon know what they ate for every meal and everyplace they ever go. only if you're "friends" with them on f/b and only if they (and you) are active. I have "friended" several and then either un-friended them or turned off seeing their posts due to ridiculously high activity of useless crap. I do monitor f/b regularly and post occasionally ... one of my daughters who is well educated sometimes posts something about a controversial subject ... those are interesting, sometimes get a bit "heated" and lengthy ... and those I do partake in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueSky Posted October 8, 2016 Share #20 Posted October 8, 2016 I've had a similar situation. My relatives have mostly lived in a small town all of their lives and since I live 160 miles away, they think that I am too far away to be interested in coming to the funeral or wedding of a relative. I usually find out about their demise after the funeral. I suppose it has saved me a fortune in flowers over the years but it has bugged me a little. I think that is modern day life though. We move away and live our own independent lives and rarely see relatives. It's good and bad I suppose. Perhaps Facebook is the answer to keeping in touch with relatives. Maybe I'll break down and get an acount. Maybe? My excuse in the past is that I didn't want my old girl friends looking me up since I was divorced for 15 yrs between marriages. There was a reason I stopped dating them. But enough time has passed that it shouldn't be a problem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marcarl Posted October 8, 2016 Share #21 Posted October 8, 2016 Social media is supposed to help out with the communication thing. I find it's not working!!! Trouble is that society is getting very self-centered and only concerned about what is good for me, that means that collecting FB friends is very important, the more there are in the collection the better we are off. Spin off is that we just can't keep up with all the gongs on and a whole bunch get left in the dark as far as important issues are concerned. The comments come back: you didn't know?? I posted it on FB!, so you look back to find the announcement and sure enough it got posted, but things were to busy that day and it got missed in the shuffle. It used to be that one would have to sit down and think about who should know and then send or call out the news. Today it's all covered with the address book and we no longer have to think who we should notify, so I get missed. Really doesn't bother me a whole lot, after all, so far it wasn't me who died or got sick or had a real bad experience it was somebody else, so it didn't effect me much. The book of prophecy tells us that toward the end of time man will get very concerned about self and will step on even close family and friends to get what is desired. My guess is that things are getting close. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mraf Posted October 9, 2016 Share #22 Posted October 9, 2016 The book of prophecy tells us that toward the end of time man will get very concerned about self and will step on even close family and friends to get what is desired. My guess is that things are getting close. Hummm, "is that brimstone I smell"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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