Lone Eagle Posted May 11, 2011 Share #1 Posted May 11, 2011 One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started..... ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... _______________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. __________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... _______________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started...... ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started... ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect." And then the…. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldgoat Posted May 11, 2011 Share #2 Posted May 11, 2011 :rotf::rotf::rotf::rotf: now thats funny i have to remember not to drink something while reading these. the monitor gets sprayed sometimes.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SilvrT Posted May 11, 2011 Share #3 Posted May 11, 2011 My wife bought a new blouse ... she asked me "does this look good on me?" and I replied "I can't say for sure coz I haven't seen it on anyone else.." ... and that's when the fight started! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Herb In Texas Posted May 11, 2011 Share #4 Posted May 11, 2011 Wife asks "Do these pants make my butt look big"? I said the pants ain't got nothin to do with it. And thats when...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ArcsSparks Posted May 11, 2011 Share #5 Posted May 11, 2011 A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy ****. That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed, scared and naked, and jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?' And that's when the fight started.... ***************************************************** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
w.steve wells Posted May 11, 2011 Share #6 Posted May 11, 2011 wife asked "honey do these pants make my butt look big" i replied no its all thoes pies and cakes you eat :rotf: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yammer Dan Posted May 11, 2011 Share #7 Posted May 11, 2011 I'm not getting in this one. My head is still sore!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grump Posted May 11, 2011 Share #8 Posted May 11, 2011 I'm not getting in this one. My head is still sore!!! i under stand all to well what you are saying . i spent my time in purgatory . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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